Sunday, August 1, 2010 - It's been 2 1/2 weeks since I last posted. I think that I have gotten slack on posting because these past 2 weeks at home have felt much less like an adoption journey and more like doing "family."

Language: Pretty amazing progress- this morning he opened the refrigerator and said, "refrigerator broken? No light. I'm thirsty." It's very rare that he gets frustrated with not being able to get his thoughts/needs across to us. He helped me unload the groceries last week and named the items he was taking out of the bag, one by one. If he didn't know he'd ask and then repeat the word I'd tell him. So glad the kid is smart. Wouldn't love him any less if he weren't but it sure is wonderful when they learn fast.

Eating: Not quite all American yet - still won't try a cheeseburger or a piece of birthday cake. He now likes pizza so that helps. Actually eating isn't much of an issue now. His love for ice cream is what I use to get him to eat just about everything I put on his plate. "No dinner, no ice cream."

Sleeping: Brush teeth, drink of water, go potty, P.J.'s on, read 2 books, say prayers, lights out - and John's and my work is done (usually). I enjoy hearing Scott and Cooper talk to each other while they're in bed and I'm so enjoying NOT hearing Cooper crying, "I can't take it anymore!" when Scott wouldn't let her go to sleep. We're getting ready to move into our new house in September and not so sure the sleeping in different bedrooms (and all alone) is going to fly for Scott.

Health: Poor kid endured much to "catch up" on his immunizations. Rather than running titers to see if he has been sufficiently vaccinated up to this point - all shots are being redone. So, Monday he had 4 tubes of blood drawn, PPD skin test, a shot in each arm, and 2 in each thigh. Welcome to America, Scott! Fortunately, no more shots for another 6 months.

Bonding: Something "magic" happened on July 20th (7 1/2 week mark of us being home). The resentment I'd held toward Scott was replaced by feelings of love and acceptance. John and I were given the opportunity to share at our church on the 21st about our adoption journey and what God has taught us about faith over these past 3 years. In preparation to share, I read back over much of my prayer journals since beginning this adoption as well as our blog entries. Wow, how could we not be anything but blown away by God's amazing power and his provisions? We had lost 2 referrals from Guatemala in '07 before that country closed it's doors to adoptions, endured 20 months with a horrible adoption agency and a "false alarm" to travel back in '08, hit all kinds of obstacles and struggles while in Kazakhstan last March and April- yet by God's grace, we were able to see His hand in so much of it. Scott Kirill King, a precious 5 yo boy from the other side of this world, is who God has chosen to bless our family with. God never promised us an easy ride, but in preparing to talk about "faith" we can see some purpose for our trials. I pray we are stronger in our faith because of it. Toward the end of our talk on Wednesday night at church, Cooper and Scott entered from the back of the church and ran up on stage with me and John (they'd just finished with a little soccer "camp"). John returned to his seat down below, I sat on the steps leading to the stage, and our 2 adopted children, whom we believe God led us to adopt, stood (and jumped off and on the stage) under the lights while a song our oldest son wrote about Scott's adoption was being played.

The coolest thing about adopting a child, about being obedient to something you feel like God has asked you to do, is that you get to put your arms around the results of that act of obedience (and they can put their little arms around you). As difficult as our ride has been, these past 2 weeks have served as confirmation that we have done the right thing.

For whomever is still following along, please pray for Brady; that his heart and mind would be softened toward Scott, and that God would give us wisdom to know how to help Brady work through this.

Wednesday, July 14 So maybe I didn't have such realistic expectations with the idea of "fixing" this little guy by the end of the summer and having us all one big happy and healthy family before school starts. And starting Scott right into kindergarden with Cooper, I might add, just so I wouldn't have to stretch this preschool thing out over a 22 year span from child #1 to child #5. I am grateful for the advice we've received from good books as well as from other families, yet I have been looking at Scott more as a "project" to complete rather than my son to love. Tonight (6 1/2 weeks into him joining our family) has been the most significant night of bonding/cuddling/holding that Scott and I have had together. Scott crawled up into my lap, in his bright blue and green stripped pajamas, and leaned his head back on my chest. It's the most relaxed he's been in my arms and to kiss his head and rub his arms and tummy felt almost natural. There was someone in the hospital on t.v. and he asked me "Shtoetta?"/What is it? I told him they were in a hospital. I asked him if Scott had ever been in a hospital and he said "yes." I asked him if an ambulance took him to the hospital and he said "Yes. Ambulance too loud. Scott scared in ambulance." Wow, that was our first "conversation" about his life before us (we were told that an ambulance took him to the hospital after the police found him at the quarry the day after his mother attempted suicide). It felt good to be able to hug him and tell him he didn't need to be scared now (maybe I do have a heart somewhere down there). We haven't had an abundance of "tender moments," but praise God, the resentment I have been feeling toward him (for whatever reason) is beginning to fade.

As far as melt-downs or tantrums go, Scott is having very, very few. He really wants to be near me or John, so us walking away from him when he has a fit has worked well. Actually, Cooper has started to have the melt-down, yelling/crying her eyes out fits when I have corrected her and this is pretty unusual for her. She generally is very easy going. Not sure if she just thought that the tantrums she observed in her new brother looked like so much fun that she wanted to join in or what. She cries, "I thought you loved me" and runs off. Hoping that this will get better soon. I'm feeling like they might have something to do with her seeing me be more affectionate to Scott and that she is jealous.

Bed times have been much better. Scott has to lay out his clothes for the next day (still preferring long pants but letting me talk him into shorts some days). Of course, Cooper has to have hers laid out right beside his. Offering ice cream AFTER pajamas get put on brings about the fasted change of clothes ever (confession - afternoon swim means chlorine has killed all germs, therefore we can skip the bath). Cooper picks a book and Scott picks a book and now they both enjoy being read to together. When Cooper kisses her favorite character on a page, Scott has to kiss his. The last several nights the two of them have talked and giggled in their beds, both of them surrounded by a row of stuffed animals who are tucked in beside them - another "tender moment".

All in all things are so much better. A week at the lake on vacation last week with Kelly and Tucker joining us what wonderful. Scott loves the jet ski (not so keen yet on riding in the "biscuit" behind the boat) and caught on fast to running and jumping off the dock and doing "cannonballs." In reading over what I've written tonight I'm bewildered as to what is it that is such an emotional strain. The pleasant behaviors are out numbering the unpleasant as far as Scott is concerned. I think it's the sudden way we go from such pleasantries to someone yelling that "he hit me" and I'm being called into referee that wears me out and me then watching my own "melt-downs" in their various and not so lovely forms being played out by my always observant children. What a humbling experience this has been.

July 3, 2010 John and I have been asked to speak at church one Wednesday night this month and share about our adoption journey, our Journey to Faith. Oh how I thought at this point, 3 years this month since our journey to adopt again began, that I'd be able to say to others, the meaning of "faith" is . . . this. "This" being something I can actually get my hands around. Well I can't. I hesitate to record my feelings for anyone to read, because the truth is, my mind is in a horrible place and some in reading, will think less of me, be shocked, disappointed, whatever. I started this blog in order to let those who are interested, follow along with our adoption ride. It's been a journey of faith because it began as something John and I felt called to do and because of all the bumps in the road, it has pushed us to hold on tight to the One who calls us and leads us. The disappointment comes in seeing that the "journey to faith" isn't complete. Meaning, we have our new child home at last - mission accomplished - NOT.

We are still holding on tight to the One who has called us. And that, I am learning, is what faith is. This feels like the hardest thing, emotionally, we've ever done. I'm depressed, we are all strained and stressed and worn out. If Scott were the only child in our home I could write of all the wonderful progress he is making in his learning English, counting to 10, adjusting to change, ect. "He" has come a long way, but the dynamics between him and Brady, and Scott and Cooper is driving me mad, literally, I think. There is such jealousy and competition for John's and my attention that we are at a loss for what to do. Presently, John and I take turns on dealing with each little "crisis" among the kids - whichever of the two of us is holding together better than the other at that moment gets to intervene. I have poured out more one on one time and energy and focus on this little guy than I ever did with my other four kids (I am/was pretty selfish of my "me" time) and it still isn't enough. I miss the calmness and easiness of the "life" we had before this child came into our lives. I feel horrible for resenting this precious little child for making things at home so hard. It's so difficult to watch the stress on Cooper and Brady as they are being provoked by their little brother. More guilt in realizing that Scott didn't ask to come into our family. We brought him here. He's the one who gave up all that was familiar to him - not us. Even as I type, a part of me is saying that I should delete these words and pretend that all is well. Yet, this is another thing the Lord is teaching me about faith. Life's journey often will not be easy, life is hard, yet God never intended for us to go it alone. God's not finished with us yet (thank goodness). If we were alone on this one, we'd have sunk already. We need friends praying for us and walking beside us, encouraging us and giving us a hand along the way. Faith is believing without seeing. Believing that things will be good again - they will. So I write these words of honest feelings, ugly as they are, in faith that one day many will be able to rejoice with us at the great, great work that God has done, not just in Scott Kirill King, but in all that have chosen to walk along beside us. In the meantime, I will thank God that He is the faithful One.

Monday, June 29 - It's the first day of feeling a bit of a "calm" in the air. No, maybe "calm" isn't the best word because little feet are always running, hands are into things, mouths are eating (the boy can consume some fruit) and Scott is constantly saying, "stoetta"(what's that)? EVERY moment is a teaching moment and I am so, so grateful that I can look back on this day and see that there were more POSITIVE teaching moments than negative ones (stop sticking your finger in the outlet - it's dangerous! Do not pinch Brady! Stay out of Brady's room. Quit hitting Brady's door....)

Cooper and Scott have done more things together today (looking at books, riding bikes, sliding down massive pile of rocks at the new house, catching fireflies, ect.) than they have since Scott arrived. John and I sat and watched them running around and laughing together outside this evening (a Kodak moment without a camera nearby) which helps us begin to feel like we have done the right thing and a also a good thing for Cooper. Cooper said yesterday, "Mom, we need some girl time." Yes, we do! Cooper is such a funny little thing and the stress of all this on her seems to have sucked some of her silly side away. Scott, Cooper and I were at the pool this weekend and I looked across the water and saw her sitting in the water right up next to our (soon to be) neighbors. She doesn't even know their names yet! Cooper thrives on attention from adults and older kids. It's helpful that when mom and dad aren't able to give her one on one, that others can.

Language: Amazing. 5 word complete sentence today. Still says "hochess" for "want" but is spitting out English for most everything. ie. toothbrush/ toothpaste/ swimming/ brush/ buckle up/ I'm hungry, thirsty, tired, banana, apple, pickle, apple juice, milk. He calls Cooper "Coopers King" and usually uses both names.

Bedtime: no problem. Both in same room and after books and prayers no one utters a word. Scott usually wakes first in the morning and climbs up with me in the big chair while I'm having my quiet time.

Praise: Tantrums/meltdowns were minimal today. He is finally getting it that family life with the King's can be a lot of fun if you learn to respect mom and dad (and others). He is handling, "No, not right now," with just a frown (usually) and much less anger. I guess that's why I feel a calm for the first time today. I'm as tired as I can be but with all the progress we've made so far, I can see that our persistence, ect. with him is working.

Prayer request: Not a lot of improvement with Scott and Brady having a deep brotherly love and appreciation for one another - ha! Scott goes around mimicking Brady as he is getting irritated with Scott. I know it's what most little brothers do but Brady can (and will) be and awesome brother for this little fella once we can get past whatever issues (jealousy, ect.) are taking place.

Saturday, June 26 - Random things I'm learning along the way . . . .

1. When a tantrum arises - I now, stop, turn around, and walk away (Dr. Leman's advice in the book I'm reading). Scott's mini-meltdowns are shortened (and probably not as loud since I'm in another room) when I'm not contributing my own "stop that" to his. At least I can go get something more productive done while he's letting me know he wants his own way. Truly, they are getting better and though I've been around plenty of full fledged American kids who do it, I'd rather see an end to them in my house. At least we don't feel like we're being "cussed out" in Russian anymore.

2. When my "4 weeks today living in America" son puts a black leather bracelet with a skull and cross bones from the craft show we attended in his pocket, without anyone knowing, and presents it to me later that day standing in my kitchen, I load the car up with kids and drive back across town and make him hand it to the man at the craft show and say he's sorry. I hope, hope, hope that this "teaching moment' pays off. I have no idea what kind of behavior he got by with for the past 5 years, yet know it's never to late to learn a better way of doing things.

3. I'm learning that I am more motivated now than I was 18 years ago (when Kelly was 5 years old) to TRAIN my younger kids to do the things that they are capable of (picking up their toys, making their bed, putting away their dirty clothes, hanging up their bath towel...) rather than do it myself. What was I thinking? 18 years ago, I had so much energy that it was just as easy to run around and do all those things for them while they were playing or sleeping rather than hassle with trying to teach them how to do it themselves. Now I look down at a pair of their dirty underwear and think, "Gee that's a long way down there to the floor. What if I can't get back up?" I'm praying that this summer of non stop "training" (and however long after it takes) will be an investment for all of us. And that the pay off will be John and I having more time to do something we enjoy doing.

4. I was reminded again tonight, after attending our Greenwood Miracle Baseball banquet (a league for kids ages 4-19 with mental and physical disabilities) that there are many, many families who live with all kinds of challenges. I am so grateful that this little boy that God has given to our family has been blessed with a healthy brain and body and that his potential in this life is limitless. He just needs a lot of love and guidance and consistency and parents who will not lose site of what he can be. Certainly, God never does.

The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you. A great quote that came in an e-mail from a friend yesterday. So true.

Thursday, June 24 - So maybe we celebrated the "finally playing together" too soon. Awful morning/afternoon - I guess for Cooper and Brady this is the same as bringing a baby home from the hospital and the older one says, "can we send him back now?" Very disappointed that Brady's being loving and tolerant of Scott day before yesterday was short lived. Victoria (Ukraine woman) came this afternoon so I could go over to the new house and check on things (without kids). Our visit to lighting/plumbing center yesterday with kids involved a worker having to unscrew/remove the doorknob to get Cooper out of the bathroom she had locked herself into. Then of course, Scott had to go to the bathroom right after that (while the worker was trying to screw the know back on the door). They were glad to see us go! Scott acted strange around Victoria today. It's hard to tell, but he may not want to continue with hearing Russian anymore. Cooper didn't like being around adult Asian's at all the year she came home with us. I have read that a child adopted internationally between 4-6 years of age will lose his ability to speak that language within 2-3 months and his ability to understand the language in 3-5 months. This same article talks about cognitive function being lost as the native language is lost. I'd like to hang on to all the cognitive functioning we can around here since I'm losing most of mine. Not sure how often would be needed to hear Russian being spoken for our son to retain his spoken language.

I listened to a great Focus on the Family radio broadcast sitting in a store parking lot while Victoria was at the house. Dr. Kevin Leman, author of "Have a New Kid by Friday," was speaking. I bought the book.

Tuesday, June 23 - Brady has a new buddy - Scott! Isn't God good? The morning with the two brothers in the same house, couldn't have been worse. Late morning, I took Cooper and Scott to a park to play with some other children while the mom's attempted (with some success) to discuss a book we are reading for a Bible study. Other than a major pout when told he couldn't stay on the monkey bars any longer (due to a line of kids patiently waiting for him to get off) he did GREAT (shirt was 1/2 soaked with sweat, poor kid - this 95 degree heat and humidity is tough). The afternoon was spent at the pool and Scott and Brady kept their distance while Brady got to pick on someone else's (older son). BUT, as I write, the two of them are sitting on Brady's bed watching Bibleman (Brady's favorite) and Scott has been walking around singing the Bibleman jingle! He's pulling out Brady's books and Brady is fine. How sweet it is to have siblings getting along!!!

9:03pm - Just tucked the two little ones in bed (same room) after sitting and reading Scott books, one on one. Scott said "hug" and opened his arm to me for a big hug and kiss (his initiative) and laid down with a smile (huge contrast to last night). He tucked his two bears in at the foot of his bed on a Dora pillow and is holding tight to the other one. W said our prayers together with a "bless daddy" on Scott's part. SWEET! Yes, we can do this! Somebody out there is praying because this is way better than I thought it could be 24 hours ago.