Wednesday, July 14 So maybe I didn't have such realistic expectations with the idea of "fixing" this little guy by the end of the summer and having us all one big happy and healthy family before school starts. And starting Scott right into kindergarden with Cooper, I might add, just so I wouldn't have to stretch this preschool thing out over a 22 year span from child #1 to child #5. I am grateful for the advice we've received from good books as well as from other families, yet I have been looking at Scott more as a "project" to complete rather than my son to love. Tonight (6 1/2 weeks into him joining our family) has been the most significant night of bonding/cuddling/holding that Scott and I have had together. Scott crawled up into my lap, in his bright blue and green stripped pajamas, and leaned his head back on my chest. It's the most relaxed he's been in my arms and to kiss his head and rub his arms and tummy felt almost natural. There was someone in the hospital on t.v. and he asked me "Shtoetta?"/What is it? I told him they were in a hospital. I asked him if Scott had ever been in a hospital and he said "yes." I asked him if an ambulance took him to the hospital and he said "Yes. Ambulance too loud. Scott scared in ambulance." Wow, that was our first "conversation" about his life before us (we were told that an ambulance took him to the hospital after the police found him at the quarry the day after his mother attempted suicide). It felt good to be able to hug him and tell him he didn't need to be scared now (maybe I do have a heart somewhere down there). We haven't had an abundance of "tender moments," but praise God, the resentment I have been feeling toward him (for whatever reason) is beginning to fade.

As far as melt-downs or tantrums go, Scott is having very, very few. He really wants to be near me or John, so us walking away from him when he has a fit has worked well. Actually, Cooper has started to have the melt-down, yelling/crying her eyes out fits when I have corrected her and this is pretty unusual for her. She generally is very easy going. Not sure if she just thought that the tantrums she observed in her new brother looked like so much fun that she wanted to join in or what. She cries, "I thought you loved me" and runs off. Hoping that this will get better soon. I'm feeling like they might have something to do with her seeing me be more affectionate to Scott and that she is jealous.

Bed times have been much better. Scott has to lay out his clothes for the next day (still preferring long pants but letting me talk him into shorts some days). Of course, Cooper has to have hers laid out right beside his. Offering ice cream AFTER pajamas get put on brings about the fasted change of clothes ever (confession - afternoon swim means chlorine has killed all germs, therefore we can skip the bath). Cooper picks a book and Scott picks a book and now they both enjoy being read to together. When Cooper kisses her favorite character on a page, Scott has to kiss his. The last several nights the two of them have talked and giggled in their beds, both of them surrounded by a row of stuffed animals who are tucked in beside them - another "tender moment".

All in all things are so much better. A week at the lake on vacation last week with Kelly and Tucker joining us what wonderful. Scott loves the jet ski (not so keen yet on riding in the "biscuit" behind the boat) and caught on fast to running and jumping off the dock and doing "cannonballs." In reading over what I've written tonight I'm bewildered as to what is it that is such an emotional strain. The pleasant behaviors are out numbering the unpleasant as far as Scott is concerned. I think it's the sudden way we go from such pleasantries to someone yelling that "he hit me" and I'm being called into referee that wears me out and me then watching my own "melt-downs" in their various and not so lovely forms being played out by my always observant children. What a humbling experience this has been.

July 3, 2010 John and I have been asked to speak at church one Wednesday night this month and share about our adoption journey, our Journey to Faith. Oh how I thought at this point, 3 years this month since our journey to adopt again began, that I'd be able to say to others, the meaning of "faith" is . . . this. "This" being something I can actually get my hands around. Well I can't. I hesitate to record my feelings for anyone to read, because the truth is, my mind is in a horrible place and some in reading, will think less of me, be shocked, disappointed, whatever. I started this blog in order to let those who are interested, follow along with our adoption ride. It's been a journey of faith because it began as something John and I felt called to do and because of all the bumps in the road, it has pushed us to hold on tight to the One who calls us and leads us. The disappointment comes in seeing that the "journey to faith" isn't complete. Meaning, we have our new child home at last - mission accomplished - NOT.

We are still holding on tight to the One who has called us. And that, I am learning, is what faith is. This feels like the hardest thing, emotionally, we've ever done. I'm depressed, we are all strained and stressed and worn out. If Scott were the only child in our home I could write of all the wonderful progress he is making in his learning English, counting to 10, adjusting to change, ect. "He" has come a long way, but the dynamics between him and Brady, and Scott and Cooper is driving me mad, literally, I think. There is such jealousy and competition for John's and my attention that we are at a loss for what to do. Presently, John and I take turns on dealing with each little "crisis" among the kids - whichever of the two of us is holding together better than the other at that moment gets to intervene. I have poured out more one on one time and energy and focus on this little guy than I ever did with my other four kids (I am/was pretty selfish of my "me" time) and it still isn't enough. I miss the calmness and easiness of the "life" we had before this child came into our lives. I feel horrible for resenting this precious little child for making things at home so hard. It's so difficult to watch the stress on Cooper and Brady as they are being provoked by their little brother. More guilt in realizing that Scott didn't ask to come into our family. We brought him here. He's the one who gave up all that was familiar to him - not us. Even as I type, a part of me is saying that I should delete these words and pretend that all is well. Yet, this is another thing the Lord is teaching me about faith. Life's journey often will not be easy, life is hard, yet God never intended for us to go it alone. God's not finished with us yet (thank goodness). If we were alone on this one, we'd have sunk already. We need friends praying for us and walking beside us, encouraging us and giving us a hand along the way. Faith is believing without seeing. Believing that things will be good again - they will. So I write these words of honest feelings, ugly as they are, in faith that one day many will be able to rejoice with us at the great, great work that God has done, not just in Scott Kirill King, but in all that have chosen to walk along beside us. In the meantime, I will thank God that He is the faithful One.