July 3, 2010 John and I have been asked to speak at church one Wednesday night this month and share about our adoption journey, our Journey to Faith. Oh how I thought at this point, 3 years this month since our journey to adopt again began, that I'd be able to say to others, the meaning of "faith" is . . . this. "This" being something I can actually get my hands around. Well I can't. I hesitate to record my feelings for anyone to read, because the truth is, my mind is in a horrible place and some in reading, will think less of me, be shocked, disappointed, whatever. I started this blog in order to let those who are interested, follow along with our adoption ride. It's been a journey of faith because it began as something John and I felt called to do and because of all the bumps in the road, it has pushed us to hold on tight to the One who calls us and leads us. The disappointment comes in seeing that the "journey to faith" isn't complete. Meaning, we have our new child home at last - mission accomplished - NOT.

We are still holding on tight to the One who has called us. And that, I am learning, is what faith is. This feels like the hardest thing, emotionally, we've ever done. I'm depressed, we are all strained and stressed and worn out. If Scott were the only child in our home I could write of all the wonderful progress he is making in his learning English, counting to 10, adjusting to change, ect. "He" has come a long way, but the dynamics between him and Brady, and Scott and Cooper is driving me mad, literally, I think. There is such jealousy and competition for John's and my attention that we are at a loss for what to do. Presently, John and I take turns on dealing with each little "crisis" among the kids - whichever of the two of us is holding together better than the other at that moment gets to intervene. I have poured out more one on one time and energy and focus on this little guy than I ever did with my other four kids (I am/was pretty selfish of my "me" time) and it still isn't enough. I miss the calmness and easiness of the "life" we had before this child came into our lives. I feel horrible for resenting this precious little child for making things at home so hard. It's so difficult to watch the stress on Cooper and Brady as they are being provoked by their little brother. More guilt in realizing that Scott didn't ask to come into our family. We brought him here. He's the one who gave up all that was familiar to him - not us. Even as I type, a part of me is saying that I should delete these words and pretend that all is well. Yet, this is another thing the Lord is teaching me about faith. Life's journey often will not be easy, life is hard, yet God never intended for us to go it alone. God's not finished with us yet (thank goodness). If we were alone on this one, we'd have sunk already. We need friends praying for us and walking beside us, encouraging us and giving us a hand along the way. Faith is believing without seeing. Believing that things will be good again - they will. So I write these words of honest feelings, ugly as they are, in faith that one day many will be able to rejoice with us at the great, great work that God has done, not just in Scott Kirill King, but in all that have chosen to walk along beside us. In the meantime, I will thank God that He is the faithful One.