Wednesday, June 17 - These last 3 weeks have had me thinking a lot about how much bigger our God is than I had ever imagined. How does God not lose it with me when I grumble and complain about a gift He's given me, especially when I asked for that gift? How does He love me unconditionally, no matter what I do or don't do, no matter how good or bad I am? He's got to feel disappointment when He has patiently worked on teaching me something (ie. to trust Him) and I tell Him that I will, and then I don't. How does He do that? How is God so patient with me when I act so childish? He loves me so much that He doesn't want me to stay the way that I am now, yet He never loves me less when I so often resist his efforts to make me better. He is amazing.

Rereading the words I just wrote, I'm thinking, I just need God to raise this little boy. He's got a lot more wisdom and patience and unconditional love than I do. Last weekend. after sending out some S.O.S. e-mails, ect. in a plea for help during this part of our adoption journey, we have been reminded through scripture, counsel and encouragement that God greatly desires to raise this little boy, through me and John, our family, friends, church, and a wealth of other resources out there from people who have traveled this road before. He's given us his Holy Spirit to help us love unconditionally and to be more patient (John is so mad at me because I admitted that I had prayed for patience again) with our children. And God is committed to walking with us through it every step of the way. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me for I am GENTLE and HUMBLE in heart and you will find REST for your souls. I have let myself get so caught up in the task (of daily survival) that I have failed to really trust that my heavenly Father, the creator of this little boy, has asked me to do something and that He WILL provide for all our needs to get the job done. Ok, enough pep talk for myself, here's some Scott "first's" and progress made:

• First time to eat popcorn, watch Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (in Russian) on the computer, and stay up til 10:30pm with dad (Cooper and Brady are with Kelly and at camp) as John downloaded the movie every 6 minutes. I think Scott thought he'd died and gone to heaven. I felt like I'd died and gone to heaven the next morning when Scott slept til 9a.m.





• First time to travel 280 miles in the backseat of a car (me taking Brady to camp and Cooper to meet Kelly near Charlotte). He traveled great and only unbuckled once, drew in ink on my leather door (always a first to draw on things we aren't supposed to draw on, now he knows that this is a no-no), and pointed out every truck that passed by (so we started counting them, learning their colors, saying hello and goodbye to the trucks).





• First time to ride his own bike (a wonderful loan from the Tillers) with his Spiderman helmet. He initially kept letting go of the steering wheel when he got scared, but now is learning how to steer and brake. The little guy sweats like a pig but still loves to be outside even if it's in the 90's!





• First time to leave my side and go play near the other children outside at church on Sunday (the week before he held my hand most of the morning). He also, without much resistance, put the toy cars back into the toy box when I asked, before we all went outside. The Sunday before he put 2 in his pocket and had to have the other 2 pried from his hands!





• First time to let me read him and Cooper a book together without competing for lap space, who turns the page, ect. (He is still ripping any dangly appendages from a book's page, ie. mama and baby elephant heads that used to wiggle when you opened the page.)





• First time to have his abyet (dinner) plate put in the refrig uneaten and learn that "nyet"/no and a bad attitude on his part won't get him as far as it did last week. This sounds awful, but we really can't have him going to the freezer for icecream every time he isn't thrilled with our meal choices. I'm not going to make him eat foods that make him gag, but I do want him to try small bites of different things. I'm including lots of different foods, several he's eaten fine before, on his plate. I'm anticipating a boy with a big appetite for breakfast tomorrow morning and one that is a bit more willing to sit down and give the foods before him a try.

We are still at a loss on how to handle the meltdowns, which are less intense (especially if we can remain calm and less emotional ourselves) and less frequent. I lost it tonight as he intentionally kept sqirting out more toothpaste when I said, "stop." John took over and gave me a time out. Scott really is learning to settle himself down when he kids disappointed because he isn't getting what he wants every time. We are trying, trying, to notice good behaviors (which there are) and let him know what a good boy he is. The constant "bad boy, bad boy" sure didn't get us anywhere.