Thursday, March 25 – Minutes until Gulnara calls for us to meet her downstairs of our apartment for our 2nd walk to the babyhouse (6 days after our first attempt). Isa 26:3 You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, steadfast because I trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever. The Lord is the rock eternal. 8 Yes, Lord, walking in the ways of your laws we wait for you; your name and your renown are the desires of our hearts. (Thank you, Mary S. for the scripture!) Honestly, I feel very nervous and sick, perhaps like labor pains as John’s sister described. I feel as if I have been “pregnant” with this child in my heart for 2 ½ years. And we now have our bags packed (big teddy bear for child, bubbles, camera, passports) ready to head to the hospital (babyhouse). The labor has been long and difficult and we have been told months before that our child has some problems. None of that has mattered once we believed in our hearts that she is the child God has picked out for us. Soon we will learn if they will even allow us in to see her. We are wishing that we could be more excited and less apprehensive. Do not worry about anything. Instead pray about everything. Tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank Him for His answers. Help us Holy Spirit, we cannot stand up without You. Go before us know and be in this place working mightily on our behalf.
10:05 AM We arrive at the babyhouse. Our translator is on his way to babyhouse by taxi and so John and I sit in an office with Gulnara, 2 babyhouse doctors, 2 babyhouse office staff and 2 offic ials from the Office of Education (representatives who were not available when we came the week before). Because we have no translator all officials decide to leave and come back when Zhanat has arrived (about 10:35). Much exchange in Russian going on which we are clueless about. The same 2 babyhouse people from the Friday night meeting that didn’t go so well are present. One of the Office of Education persons has a notebook with a list of the children’s names who are at our orphanage (Cool –in –shock) and also on the database available for adoption. Evidently the staff does NOT know which of their children are able to be adopted. We realize that we will be seeing one child at a time, between ages 3-6 (we are approved to adopt a child between 2-6). With 10 of us adults sitting in chairs/behind desks across from each other, a small child is led in by the hand, one at a time, and stands before us. We are allowed to ask questions – all while the chlld stands in front of us.
One is a 3 yo Russian girl who seems spunky and smart. She sings a song and walks across the small room to receive a piece of candy someone gives her. Then Zhanat leans toward us and translates that this child is positive for AIDS. Another Russian girl, who is 4 comes in with a bilateral cleft, both eyes crossed and with other problems. Both are cute but we do not feel that either one is ours. The first child they bring in (before the above 2) is actually the one that we had heard about before coming, the little one that Gulnara had met in December and again last month. We knew that she had a diagnosis of cerebral palsy and we said that we were good with that provided that she was mentally on the normal level so that we would not have a second child who will need to be dependent on others forever. Don’t know how to put this in words, but this precious girl, was so much more involved with her impairments than we had prepared ourselves for. She was very shy and so it was difficult to tell if her head hanging down was due to her CP or to her being bashful. She is able to walk, but her gait is difficult and slower (again no big problem). ALL her movements are slower and with effort. All four extremities seem to have a dyskonetic, weakness. We ask if we can spend more time with the child (actually wanted to observe her with other children but this was declined). We go into a music hall and watch her nurse/teacher ask her to manipulate colored puzzles, ect. She makes eye contact with us but is slow to connect and focus. When John shows her pictures of our family, she makes efforts to repeat the names – her words with effort and slowed. We continue to try and learn the doctor’s thoughts on this child’s prognosis. Without question, she will continue to show improvement with ongoing speech and occupational and physical therapy. She will need special education classes. God you’ve got to show us what we are to do here. The only thing that John and I are feeling is FEAR – overwhelming fear. And feeling that this whole process is so inhumane. What are these children thinking at these ages standing on display? I would not have CHOSEN to take on the responsibilities of raising a son with Down syndrome. God, in His sovereignty chose this for us. I’m good with that. This experience feels so different. This feels so unfair to the rest of our family, to Cooper, and Brady, Tucker and Kelly and our parents. Our plate is full already – with a place for another child, yet not for meeting all of the many needs this child has and will have. Our meeting is over. We are able to return in the afternoon to revisit her.
12 Noon – at City Mall with Gulnara and Zhanat. We discuss the possibility of being able to go to the other 2 babyhouses to see more children. Gulnara calls the Office of Education and we can go there at 2PM today to get letters to visit both houses (tomorrow). Gulnara calls and talks with this little girl’s nurse to tell her we will not be coming back to see her today (to begin our bonding). By doing this we are not closing this door, however, by deciding to move forward and look at other children, the fear has gone. I know that God equips us to do whatever He calls us to do. I know also, that when we take on something that is not for us, it can be disasterous. We have no peace and no confidence to pursue this precious little girl. As horrible as I feel to turn our backs on this child with needs which we could help with – I can see myself sinking in dispair with the thoughts of caring for her.
On ride back from Office of Education, we stopped by a Menonite Church, where Gulnara has friends. Pretty neat to be on the otherside of the world and know that you are standing with brothers and sisters in Christ. This was Zhanat’s, a Muslin, first time in a church and it was fun to hear him translating the scriptures for us that were on the church walls. When I showed a church worker the cross I am wearing, I learned that such things, not made by hand, are idols (quickly tucked it under my shirt!). They were gracious people, offering us hot tea and cookies (all while our taxi driver sat out in the snow). I’m glad we had this tour. Zhanat was able to hear (and translate for us) what we believe. We told the two at the church that we believed that God had called us to adopt a child, but that our journey has been very difficult. The dear man, in Russian, said that he would pray. And I think he will.
Heading to the Café Karagandy to post this blog and send out one more mass e-mail prayer request to friends. Tomorrow is it. We either find this little girl in one of these two babyhouses or we head home this w/e. Unless we have a change in heart about the child with CP and a complete peace in taking her, our journey will be through. I hope not. I pray not. We feel numb, going through the motion, not particularly hopeful, not understanding, not angry, not grateful, not finished yet but weary. If you read this before 11PM your time – PRAY that we will find this little girl. Still believing that she is here. Please forgive us if you think that we are backing down from something we should be doing, in taking this child. We just don’t have it in us.